To "Crush"..
or Not to "Crush". That is the Outcome.
I don’t think I’ve had an actual crush for 5+ years. This is a brief dive into my love life.
I remember the closest in that time being a very beautiful long-time casual acquaintance, who wouldn’t see me in any other way, telling me about how she was preparing an easter egg hunt for her friend’s children and was in my place of work buying some bits for it. There was something about how she was smiling when describing the plans that made me realise that I was crushing on her in that moment. The glimpse in to a different part of someone’s thought processes and actions that activate the crushing section of the heart. I wanted to hear more about it and other parts of her life, but the opportunity never arose. And I absolutely didn’t think I could date her, I just wanted to bask in her light for a little bit.
The above interaction did make me recently question how I’d communicated with her. I’d suggested coffee a couple of times, but it was an open “let me know if you’d like to get coffee sometime”. I did know that I would probably never get to sit down with her and discuss everything and anything, so my offers were guarded and indirect. My mini crush was left at that and everybody was fine.
Yet at this point in my life, I don’t know where my next crush is coming from. I’m a average white man in his early 40’s (who feels like a 32year old at best), my social circle is too wide to be consistent and my hobbies are a bit niche to potentially meet someone in. My dating app track history is not great, I have made a couple of nice friends from it but nothing more than that. I’m not what people in my area are looking for, and they aren’t what I’m looking for. So the crossroads are set. London, Brighton & Bristol are reachable but people seemingly would prefer to stay inside their cities.
Since going back on Hinge, this has largely rang true again. I did have an intense connection with someone and I was crushing on her prior to meeting, during the date and after. But schedules and distance have halted that, and it did make me sad. She also knows about my substack and might read this: Hi! You’re great! :)
My trip to Lisbon was probably the last time I met a lot of new people in a short space of time. I ended up hanging out with a one of my roommates for one morning after chatting to her in the hostel I was staying in. A non-romantic tour around the 25 de Abril Bridge and up the coast. She was hungover, but very game for the walk and zipping around on lime scooters in the heat. It was nice to have some company in that moment on my solo trip. Not a crush, but relative to the point. I think?
I’ve seen too many rom-coms to not believe in the perfect meet-cute. I’ve had 2 in my life that were pretty great and I have to believe it’ll happen again. Also, people could totally be suggesting me to their friends more. I’m not so bad!? A little boring (probably?!) and softer than I’d currently like, but mostly fine.
The plight of many cis white men is different from mine, but I’m still in that demographic and trying to shine through is hard. I was talking to my friend yesterday about painting my nails and feeling positively less “masculine” at times and she reinforced that that was a good thing. But trying to find someone who has similar political & ethical views and maybe wants to be a solar punk, or at least a “comfy punk” like me, is tough. It’ll happen though.
This is not a very interesting short essay. I just feel it needed to come out. Woe is me etc
